The Twilight series has not made a cinematic appearance in years. However, its influence has not simmered down. Anytime someone even thinks the word “vampires” these days, I’ll bet the word “sparkly” springs unbidden to their mind as well. The story of Twilight has seared itself onto our cultural body whether we like it or not. Even if you’ve never read the books or seen the movies, you have heard of the messy love triangle between a plain human girl, a sparkling star of a vampire, and a werewolf boy.
I’m loathed to admit it, but I have read the book series and seen most of the movies. (I drew the line at seeing Breaking Dawn in theaters, both parts.) The hype for these books was intense back in the day, and I fell victim to the hype-train. What was I supposed to do, ignore the book that every single one of my classmates was talking about? (Yes, yes I was.) So when I continue to talk about this story and the inane characters within it, you’ll know I am being one-hundred percent honest with you. I have experience with the Twilight series, albeit regret-tinged experience.
Without said experience, I might have fallen prey to the many misconceptions about the saga that are floating around. You, my dear reader, may have fallen prey to these misconceptions yourself. So let me enlighten you. Read on if you want to shed some light on the many false facts obscuring the truth of the Twilight saga.
Edward And Bella’s Love Is Not True Love
I feel genuinely sorry for any teenage girls or boys who took their concept of love from the Twilight books. Not only do I feel sorry, I feel a tad alarmed. The books make love seem like the be-all, end-all objective of life, especially in New Moon.
After Edward breaks up with Bella, she spirals into a depression, and the two of them even consider taking their lives when the other appears to be missing from it. That is not a healthy outlook on either life or love.
Edward Following Bella Around Is Not As Romantic As Fans Think
Many people believe that Edward is a paragon of romance. He was born at an earlier age when people were more romantic, I guess. This is as false as Pinocchio’s nose. Edward is nothing more romantic than an ardent follower.
He entered Bella’s bedroom without her awareness or her permission many a night. That’s not sweet in my book. That’s spooky. He spent hours staring at her while she slept. Hours. Just because he’s purportedly good-looking that does not excuse that kind of behavior.
Baby Renesmee Was Not Always Rendered Digitally
Of my friends who did go to see Breaking Dawn – Part 2, a large majority of them complained about the look of Bella’s bouncing, baby girl. She was too digital-looking in their opinion. Honestly, what did they expect, a real-life human-vampire baby that exhibits signs of rapid aging?
However, it may surprise fans to know that the baby was not entirely digital. There was, in fact, an actual baby stand-in that made an appearance now and then in the film.
Alice Should Not Be Able To See The Future
Alice’s big gift as a vampire is the ability to see the future. When events are set in motion, she can see the outcome. When things change, she can see the altered course. If that’s how her power works, she should never be able to see how the future works.
The slightest change in plans, from a sneeze to a food craving, can shift the future. If Alice’s power works the way they say it does, she should just constantly be getting an ever-changing vision of possible future outcomes.
The Ending To Breaking Dawn Was Not Real
When the trailers for Breaking Dawn – Part 2 came out, everyone believed we were going to get treated to an epic fight scene that was never in the book. The Volturi was going to engage in a battle with the Cullens and their allies in an epic showdown over the fate of Bella and Edward’s child.
We were all led astray. The “fight” we see is one of the biggest cop-outs in film history. It was all part of a vision Alice had about the future if a fight were to take place. It never actually happened.
Not The Caring Daughter Fans Think She Is
One of Bella’s saving graces is the affection she holds for her parents. She clearly adores her mother and was willing to sacrifice her own life to save her mom’s in the first book/movie. And Charlie is not exempt from her supposed parental love.
I’m sorry to say that Bella’s role as a caring daughter is only a surface-level affair. She thinks so little of her father in the first entry in the series, she has no problem lying to him, using him to get what she wants, and calling him by his first name. Bella is not a caring daughter.
Renesmee’s Existence Poses Biological Problems
Let’s talk biology for a bit. In Breaking Dawn, Bella and Edward share a honeymoon, and not days later, Bella finds out she’s with a child. No. Just no. This should not be possible.
If a vampire’s DNA is completely different from a human’s, a child should not have been able to be conceived. There are prezygotic and postzygotic reproductive isolating mechanisms that would have prevented Bella and Edward from coupling. Did no one fact-check this young adult fantasy book?
Burning Vampires/Anybody Is Not That Simple
The only way to off a vampire is to hack their bodies into pieces and then burn them. This happens in the very first Twilight book. The lethal James is torn apart by the Cullen family after he attacks Bella.
In the movie, while Carlisle and Edward are attending to Bella’s injuries, the other Cullen family members can be seen cavorting around a pyre made of James’ body. This shows burning bodies in a false light. It is not that easy to set a body on fire.
Bella Is Already A Graceful And Beautiful Being
In the books, Bella is described as being incredibly clumsy. The first movie follows this character note, showing Bella awkwardly standing around during a school gym class and slipping on ice the first chance she gets.
However, later movies seem to forget that Bella is an oaf when it comes to physical movements. The clumsiest thing she does is cut her finger when opening a present in New Moon, and I think every human being on the planet has gotten a paper cut at some point in their lives.
Edward Is, In Fact, An Old Man
Twilight tries to make it okay that Bella and Edward end up together by suggesting that Edward was frozen in time as a seventeen-year-old. If that’s the case, their relationship is just one seventeen-year-old getting married to another. (Which is still weird, in my opinion.)
However, let’s not forget the fact that technically speaking, Edward is 104-years old.
That is one elderly man dating a seventeen-year-old. In no way should that be considered okay. The fact that it is painted as okay, as better than okay, is one of the Twilight series’ biggest lies.
The Cullens Can’t Stay In Town For Long
When Bella visits the Cullens’ house for the first time, she sees a frame that carries all of the mortarboards Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice have acquired over the years. Every time the Cullens move to a new town, they enroll their kids at the local high school in order to lengthen the amount of time they can stay in the area.
That’s a bold-faced lie. Saying the Cullen “kids” are high school students shortens the amount of time they can stay in an area. By saying they’re teenagers, the Cullens are limited to a town only for as long as they can pull that look off.
Jasper’s Past Is Less Sympathetic Than Most Think
The Cullens are presented to us as sympathetic characters. They are kindly toward humans even though their diet is meant to be comprised of humans. For the most part, their sympathetic portrayal is accomplished satisfactorily. The one big exception is Jasper.
He has a complicated past, to say the least.
He was once a part of the Confederate Army in his human life. He fought for a side that meant to preserve the subjugation of people. Let’s hope he changed that attitude in his next life.
Bella Cuddles With A Popsicle
Bella frequently snuggles with Edward. In both the books and the movies, she takes every opportunity to cuddle with her man. That’s sweet and all, but have we forgotten that Edward is literally a stone cold beast?
His skin is supposed to be freezing to the touch.
I very highly doubt the movies showed how cold it was to hug a vampire. Plus, Bella lives in Forks, Washington, a place not known for warm temperatures. Their cuddle sessions are all falsely portrayed if she’s not shivering.
Running Vampires Look Ridiculous
All of the Twilight movies had a fairly low budget. This was good in terms of how much revenue they earned for such a small amount of spending, but not so good when it came to special effects.
The films do not show vampire motion in a true fashion.
In the books, vampires are described as moving so fast they’re practically invisible to the human eye. In the movies, it looks like they’re doing weird ballet in mid-air. The next time you see the movie, just close your eyes and pretend they’re a blur.
The Story Can’t Change The Fact That Imprinting Is Weird
Instead of having Jacob be lonely for the rest of his life because he can’t get over losing Bella to Edward, the Twilight series thought it would be better to resolve the love triangle in a different way.
Jacob imprints on Bella’s newborn daughter, and by imprint, we mean become forever attached to said newborn. You can try to make it seem as not-unsettling as possible. You can try. But all attempts to normalize this are going to fail.
Vampires Are More Animal Than Human
The Twilight series would have you believe that vampires are cultured, intellectual beings. They are intelligent predators. I would argue that this is a false statement. Humans are smarter than vampires because vampires are still a slave to their own instincts.
You cannot have the concept of a mentally advanced vampire and still have them find blood irresistible. You don’t see humans leaping toward plates of spaghetti when they’re hungry, do you? If vampires can’t control their own hunger, they’re more animal than human.
Seeing Visions Means Bella Has Major Issues
Again, the Twilight series would have us believe that Bella is your average, ordinary teenage girl. This is not the case, and New Moon proves that definitively. When Edward broke up with Bella, she started seeing visions of him every time she did something that endangered her life.
She missed him so much, she started engaging in risky behaviors in order to bring about these visions. Bad judgment aside, the fact that Bella was seeing vocal visions of Edwards indicates she is not of sound mind. Did this get addressed in later movies/books? No, no it did not.
Jacob’s Pants Supply Should Have Run Out
The one part of the Twilight series I actually looked forward to was the portrayal of the wolf transformations. Ever since I saw An American Werewolf in London, I’ve been fascinated by werewolf transformations.
However, wolves in the Twilight universe just kind of burst into their wolf-forms. Their clothes do not shred so much as they explode. In the books, some of the wolves tied a spare pair of pants to their legs before they transformed so that they’d have garments for later. The movies do not do this, and they have no explanation for how Jacob ever keeps a single pair of pants intact.
Charlie Was Never A Responsible Father
Charlie is introduced to us as the clueless, yet caring father of Bella. But perhaps he’s not the kind dad we’ve been led to believe. While his daughter is off gallivanting with mythical creatures, he’s at home drinking and watching baseball.
When Jacob smooches Bella without her verbal okay, Charlie seems to side with Jacob over Edward in the ensuing disagreement. Look, I get Charlie has a major dislike for Edward, but come on, man. Always side with your daughter when it comes to these matters.
What Did Irina Ever See In Laurent?
Laurent was a very typical vampire we met in the first movie/book. He was part of a three-member vampire coven that ate the usual vampire fare of human blood. Later, we found out that he spent time with the Denali Coven, a vampire family that is friendly toward the Cullens and has the same diet of only animal blood.
However, Laurent still clearly ate the same thing he normally did, so how could he have gotten so close to one of the members of the Denali Coven if their ideologies were clearly so different?
