“Yo, Joe!” If you grew up in the eighties, these words are synonymous with fun, thanks to G.I. Joe. Boasting over 500 armed-to-the-teeth action figures, the G.I. Joe toy line was everything a military-mad kid could want. What’s more, tie-in animated series and comic books added an impressive amount of depth and cohesion to these characters and their world, which only made playtime more enjoyable.
So it’s hardly surprising that few grown-up G.I. Joe fans are interested in bursting their nostalgia bubble by seriously re-visiting this cross-media franchise. Sure, many people are happy to point out the more nonsensical moments that went down during battles between the titular special forces unit and the villainous agents of Cobra, but just as many are content to leave their rose-colored glasses firmly in place when it comes to the adventures of Duke, Snake Eyes, Scarlett, and the rest, overlooking any lapses in logic that may arise along the way.
This affection doesn’t extend to the live-action films based on the, however. On the contrary, the general consensus is that The Rise of Cobra and Retaliation are a blight on the G.I. Joe name – and few fans have any reservations when it comes to tallying up the shortcomings of both movies. Yet regardless of whether we’re talking about the movies, the cartoons, the comics or even the toys themselves, every incarnation of this version of G.I. Joe has aspects that simply don’t add up. Don’t believe us? Then check out this list of 25 Things About G.I. Joe That Make No Sense – we think it’ll change your mind!
Duke Survives G.I. Joe: The Movie
One of the most intense moments in G.I. Joe: The Movie sees the team’s field commander Duke impaled through the chest with one of Serpentor’s spears. This seemingly fatal injury appeared to spell the end for one of the franchise’s most popular characters. However, just before the credits roll, we learn that Duke has inexplicably made a full recovery.
You can blame the powers that be at Hasbro for this preposterous turn of events – and the parental outrage generated by the demise of Optimus Prime in Transformers: The Movie. Wishing to spare their other major property from similar bad press, Hasbro executives mandated that Duke be granted a stay of execution. Unfortunately, production on G.I. Joe: The Movie was already well underway, so there just wasn’t time to re-animate the offending scene to lessen the severity of Duke’s wound!
Cobra’s Schemes Are Uniformly Insane
For a nefarious organisation that’s supposedly the worst threat facing democracy, Cobra sure does cook up some half-baked schemes for world domination. Seriously: virtually every plot hatched by Cobra Commander and his inner circle of lackeys is at best needlessly convoluted, or at worst out-and-out crazy.
It’s so prevalent – at least, where the animated incarnation of Cobra is concerned – that we could easily have filled this list solely with examples of these lunatic undertakings. At the same time, you’ve got to give Cobra credit for thinking outside the box. After all, it takes a certain kind of (deranged) genius to think that building a dangerous fun house or hiding missiles inside fast food restaurants is a surefire way to take over the planet!
The Origin Of Destro’s Name
In the file cards that accompanied the G.I. Joe action figures – as well as in the toy line’s tie-in media – Destro’s name makes total sense. This is because it’s simply that: his name. Although it’s a conveniently cool-sounding handle, “Destro” happens to be the actual surname of James McCullen Destro XXIV, and hearkens back to his Scottish heritage.
Serving as a reminder that some filmmakers love to tinker with things that work just fine, director Stephen Sommers and his team opted not to carry this over to G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Here, “Destro” is dropped from the end of McCullen’s name, and is explained as being an unconvincing contraction of “Destroyer of Worlds” instead. Let’s be real for a second: the idea that anyone would shorten that phrase to “Destro” is beyond a stretch!
That Time A Random Viper Wiped Out A Bunch Of Joes
Part of the appeal of the various G.I. Joe comic books has always been the considerable latitude the creative teams have when it comes to bumping off characters. This is especially the case in situations where there’s no TV show or movie currently in production – and therefore no red tape to contend with. Still, this storytelling freedom has its drawbacks, particularly when it leads the writers and artists involved to get needlessly trigger happy.
This even extends to the fondly remembered Marvel Comics series – most notably, that time a lone SAW Viper was able to capture and eliminate several of the Joes (including Doc) single-handedly. It’s not that we have anything against the stakes being raised, but a lowly grunt taking down multiple elite soldiers without back-up doesn’t really ring true!
Doctor Mindbender Used To Be A Dentist
The only thing more absurd than Doctor Mindbender’s flamboyant code-name is his origin story, which is so ridiculous it’s actually kinda amazing. See, prior to being recruited by Cobra, our guy started out as a qualified orthodontist, who somehow possessed sufficient knowledge to manipulate his brainwaves and boost his intellect.
Now, we don’t mean to speak ill of Mindbender’s trade, but it’s fair to say that complex neurological experiments like this fall outside the scope of what is taught at dentistry school. What’s more, the good doctor later shows himself to be a pioneering geneticist capable of creating hybrid-human/dinosaur soldiers out of fossilized DNA samples – something that definitely doesn’t align with his expected skill set!
Cobra Commander Is A Snake Person?
Another bizarre (and mercifully, largely ignored) development in G.I. Joe: The Movie is the revelation that Cobra Commander is not, in fact, human. No, it turns out that he hails from Cobra-La, a secret subterranean civilization comprised of humanoid snake people bent on subjugating the surface world. This… doesn’t really stack up.
On the contrary, it contradicts the established continuity of the animated series it’s based on – where Cobra Commander is unequivocally portrayed as a regular person – and every other iteration of the canon up until that point, as well. Instances where Cobra Commander wore his hood rather than his chrome face-plate only exacerbate this incongruity, since his human features are clearly visible through the eye holes!
Accelerator Suits Are Wildly Overrated
With all the preposterous plot elements vying for attention in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, it’s easy to overlook just how silly the accelerator suits introduced in the movie really are. Touted as being able to boost their wearer’s physical abilities to superhuman levels, these cutting edge outfits don’t prove all that effective in practice.
Need an example? How about when the team is pursuing the Baroness and Storm Shadow through the streets of Paris. Admittedly, the accelerator suit-clad Duke and Ripcordare able to keep up with their car-based quarry on foot. But they’re no more useful than Scarlett’s motorcycle, the generic van providing additional support, or Snake Eyes (who is rocking his usual ninja kit), especially considering that both Cobra agents ultimately escape!
Rocky Balboa Was Almost A Joe
The time Rocky Balboa nearly became a G.I. Joe is the first of two entries to illustrate how willing Hasbro is to throw in-universe logic out the window if there’s a potentially lucrative crossover on the table. We’re not kidding, either: for a brief moment in 1986, Sylvester Stallone’s good-hearted pugilist was inducted as a member of the team – he even got his own field agent file card!
Sadly for fans of the Italian Stallion, the licensing deal that was to unite the G.I. Joe and Rocky franchises broke down before it was finalized. As a result, the world’s most famous fictional boxer had his Joe status quietly revoked, which was probably for the best, given just how bonkers the idea was in the first place.
The Baroness’ New Origin
As anyone who has followed G.I. Joe’s ever-evolving continuity can attest, there’s not really any one definitive version of any of the franchise’s characters. How could there be, with the series being adapted and reinterpreted across different media by a revolving door of different license holders?
At the same time, the overall gist of how our heroes and villains are portrayed has generally remained intact. Take the Baroness: this femme fatale has consistently been portrayed as a ruthless European aristocrat who willingly joined Cobra’s ranks.
Or at least, that was true – until The Rise of Cobra. In the first live-action spin on the source material, the Baroness is recast as a jilted bride who only signed-up with Cobra thanks to high tech mind control, which doesn’t jive at all with her previous reputation as a strong, independent female baddie.
Storm Shadow Impersonates Snake Eyes
The G.I. Joe franchise is the very definition of “escapist fun” – so it can feel more than a little churlish to take it to task for presenting story beats in an unrealistic fashion. At the same time, both live-action movies based on the property want so desperately for audiences to take them seriously, that it’s hard not to poke holes in their respective narratives.
For instance, the scene where Storm Shadow manages to infiltrate the maximum security prison disguised as Snake Eyes in Retaliation flat-out would not happen. Think about it: why would the guards wait until the very last moment before they enter the complex to remove Storm Shadow’s mask? The obvious answer is “they wouldn’t” – so we’re calling shenanigans here!
Cobra Commander Used To Be A Car Salesman
Full disclosure: we don’t exactly hate the idea that Cobra Commander ran a used car dealership before becoming radicalized and founding Cobra. There’s a disarming realism to this origin story, as extremists often do come from humble or impoverished beginnings, so props to legendary G.I. Joe scribe Larry Hama on that score.
On the other hand, it’s kind of hard to believe that someone as formidable as Cobra Commander went from selling beat-up sedans to running an international cell bent on world domination. Surely he needed at least some military training? Although now that we think about it, perhaps the Commander’s lack of formal combat instruction and tactical inexperience explains why so many of Cobra’s plans tend to go pear-shaped!
Altitude’s Front-Line Sketching
As a Special Mission Unit backed by the United States Armed Forces, the G.I. Joe team has access to advanced military hardware that we civilians can only dream of. Presumably, this futuristic inventory extends to surveillance equipment – including compact cameras for use on reconnaissance expeditions.
So why on earth does Altitude need to carry a pencil and paper with him to draw whatever he encounters in the field whilst out scouting on behalf of his fellow Joes? It doesn’t matter if the guy is the next Da Vinci – there’s no way his scribbles are going to be more helpful than proper high-res images. Honestly, dude: you need to leave the sketching to your spare time!
Hidden Hideouts Anyone Can Find
Both G.I. Joe and Cobra are covert organizations, which is why they operate out of clandestine bases that are well and truly “off the grid”. You wouldn’t know this based solely off a viewing of The Rise of Cobra, though – in this flick, the secrecy surrounding the headquarters of both outfits is compromised with embarrassing ease!
In fairness to both sides, the fault here lies less with where they chose to set-up shop, and more to do with shoddy storytelling on the part of the filmmakers. Indeed, whether it’s the Joes’ bunker miles beneath the floor of the Sahara Desert or Cobra’s lair at the North Pole, neither team should have been possible to track down – or at least, not in the manner shown on-screen.
Dial-Tone
Poor Dial-Tone: with a name like that, he really stands out as an analogue soldier in a digital age. But even setting aside the poor guy’s hopelessly dated call sign, there’s plenty more that seems a little out of step with reality… or the G.I. Joe version of it, anyway.
Even back when Dial-Tone first hit shelves in the 1980s, the G.I. Joe team was portrayed as possessing equipment light-years ahead of the actual U.S. military – and that extends to next-gen battlefield communications tech. So we’d argue that a radio/transmissions expert like Dial-Tone would have a desk job manning a super-charged workstation rather than serving as an active field operative!
The Destruction Of Cobra’s Arctic Lair
We’ve stuck the boot into G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra quite a bit over the course of this list, so we promise this is the last time we’ll take it to task for its less-than-stellar execution. This time around, we want to highlight one of the film’s most widely-lampooned crimes against science: the scene where the G.I. Joe team wipes out Cobra’s arctic underwater base.
What makes this set piece so bad? Well, our heroes’ plan revolves around demolishing the glaciers situated above the base, so that the resultant debris crushes it. This would be a great play… except that (as the crew of the Titanic could tell you) ice floats. So rather than crushing Cobra’s lair, the shattered shards of glacier would mostly just have bobbed around in the water like ice cubes in a club soda!
Cobra Commander Was Only Pretending To Be Inept
Comic book scribe Warren Ellis is one of the greatest writers to ever grace the medium – but even his formidable talents have their limits. That’s probably why we don’t buy it in Ellis-penned web on-shot G.I. Joe: Resolute when Cobra Commander’s decades of lackluster leadership are chalked up to the franchise’s big bad simply playing dumb.
According to Ellis, Cobra Commander did his best halfwit impression in order to force his followers to pick up the slack – a management strategy that probably wouldn’t earn him an MBA. So while we have to give Ellis credit for coming up with a creative explanation for Cobra Commander’s eccentric behavior and pitiful track record, we can’t say we’re sold on the idea.
All The World Leaders Turn On Each Other
We’ve picked on G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra quite a bit in this list, so it’s only fair that we apply similar treatment to its 2013 sequel, Retaliation. Although arguably superior to its predecessor, the Joes’ second live-action outing still has plenty wrong with it in the rationality department. Like when the world leaders temporarily lose their collective mind and launch nuclear warheads at each other for absolutely no reason whatsoever!
Yes, we understand that it was a volatile situation where decisions were being made under immense pressure. But why wasn’t their aggression limited to the United States alone, since under Zartan’s leadership, it’s clearly their common enemy? Why divert any of the nukes in their respective stockpiles elsewhere?
The NFL Player Who Trained The Joes
As promised earlier, here’s the second entry spotlighting a baffling crossover between G.I. Joe and an incompatible third party – this time around, it’s the NFL! That’s right: in the late 80s, Hasbro produced a mail order-exclusive action figure based on the likeness of hulking Chicago Bears’ defensive lineman William “The Refrigerator” Perry.
According to his file card, Perry was enlisted by G.I. Joe to help train the troops – because running football drills is exactly what special forces soldiers need to excel in their chosen line of work. As if this wasn’t laughable enough, The Fridge figure came packaged with his own unique weapon: a football chained to a stick (think a morning star, only stupid).
Ice Cream Soldier
For every member of G.I. Joe or Cobra sporting an awesome code-name like Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow or Ripcord, there’s at least as many who have been lumped with terrible ones. And while the likes of Snowjob and Skidmark could lay a decent claim to being branded with the worst call signs in the franchise, for our money, Ice Cream Soldier takes the biscuit.
We’re going to be perfectly frank, here: “Ice Cream Soldier” is such a bizarre – not to mention unintimidating – code-name that it seems impossible a crack special forces operative would adopt it. The fact that this guy is packing a flamethrower only adds to our confusion (his name is meant to be ironic… we guess?).
Ageless Zartan
Flashbacks in G.I. Joe: Retaliation reveal that it was Zartan (and not Storm Shadow) who was responsible for the Hard Master’s demise. We’ve got issues with this little nugget of information that we’ll get into later, but for now, we want to focus on Zartan’s appearance in these scenes. Specifically, how his looks don’t change at all between the past and present time-frames.
Of course, Zartan is a master of disguise – but there’s nothing to suggest that he’s wearing any make-up or prosthetics to conceal the effects of ageing. So it’s more than a little disconcerting to think that Cobra’s number one infiltration specialist didn’t develop a single extra grey hair or wrinkle in at least a decade!
